Loving Your Husband Before You Get Married

Though the following article by Carolyn McCulley is aimed primarily at women, it's my opinion that women and men alike can benefit from the godly insight she offers. The concept of loving your future spouse before marriage (or before ever laying eyes on him or her) is certainly not the norm; however, I believe that such thinking is Biblical and in accordance with God's will and character.

Why not love your "unknown" future mate? If God is a Sovereign God (and He most certainly is), then He knows not only when you'll marry, but also who you'll marry. It is His divine decree. In His mind the two are already one; therefore, they already belong to each other and should begin turning their hearts toward each other in love. They should both begin doing each other good and not evil all the days of their lives (Proverbs 31).

I offer a few more suggestions on how to love your future mate and do him or her good before marriage (or meeting!):

• Pray for him or her (And don't just pray for what you desire in a mate; pray for him or her). Be specific - pray that the Lord would bless them, help them to grow in godliness and Christ-likeness, help them to resist temptation, prepare them for marriage and family, etc. You may ask, "What if I never marry? What good is it to pray for a mate that I'll never have?" Please remember, prayer is never a waste of time. One of the people who benefits the most from prayer is the person who does the praying. When you focus on praying for someone else, you end up cultivating godly character traits such as selflessness, compassion, humility, concern for others, etc. in your own life - and that's true whether you end up marrying or not.
• View the members of the opposite sex that you come into contact with (family, friends, etc. ) as opportunities to learn how to treat your husband or wife. Men, how do you treat your mothers? Your sisters? Your girlfriends? Do you respect them, or do you belittle them? Are you sensitive to them and their needs? Do you seek to serve them, or be served by them? Women, how do you view your fathers? Your brothers? Your boyfriends? Do you have respect for them and their leadership? Do you submit to them willingly or begrudgingly? Do you view men as "all the same" or somehow unworthy of your respect? Now is the perfect time to develop godly patterns in dealing with the opposite sex, and there's no better proving-ground than the relationships you currently have with your family and friends.
• Always be mindful of your future spouse. Ask yourself, will this affect my future mate? How would he or she feel about how I'm conducting myself in this situation? Would I be ashamed to admit this to my future mate? Is this something that will edify or tear down my future mate? Like it or not, our future spouses are affected by the decisions we make here and now. We're never the only one's affected by our choices, so think about how your actions today will impact your spouse and marriage tomorrow.
• Remember that the person you're dating may not be the one you'll end up marrying. No matter how much you love someone or how sure you are that he or she is "the one" you may end up marrying someone else, so never say or do anything that you'll end up regretting when you do meet the one God gives you. Learn to guard your heart. Remember that the only person who deserves your heart and mind (other than the Lord) is your future mate - don't give pieces of yourself away to others. Likewise, don't encourage those you date to give pieces of their hearts and minds to you. Remember, they may end up to be someone else's husband or wife someday - respect that relationship. Help them to understand the importance of guarding their heart as well, and aid them in doing so.
• Cultivate a closer walk with the Lord. Your future spouse needs a mate who is actively seeking to grow in his or her walk with the Lord. There is no more important step in learning to love your future spouse than first learning to love the Lord. It is from Him that we learn how to love our future mates and from Him we receive the strength and motivation we need in order to do so. When we humble ourselves before the Lord, he will bless us and our future marriages.

For more insight on how to love your husband or wife before marriage, I recommend visiting the websites of Eric And Leslie Ludy, Joshua Harris, and Carolyn McCulley.

- Clarissa Ramos

By Carolyn McCulley

In my first year as a Christian, I attended or was part of 13 weddings—including the weddings of my two younger sisters and one ex-boyfriend. The Lord was working overtime on the sin of self-pity that year, but out of His sanctifying work came my informal “ministry” of a wedding coordinator. I started by helping one of my sisters, and as the word got around, I ended up serving countless friends.

At a recent rehearsal dinner, someone asked me if it was difficult as an unmarried woman to be so involved in these weddings. I was glad to genuinely say no. That wasn’t always my answer, however. I can clearly recall sitting at many wedding receptions with the wind knocked out of me due to the bitterness in my heart. I would evaluate each aspect of the weddings I attended, and plan for how “my” special day would surpass the event unfolding before me. Like any Cinderella devotee, the highlight of my life would be that special moment when the doors were opened and all eyes—most especially those of My Prince—would be on me. What happened in the “happily ever after” part was the fine print. It was going to be All About Me on that day.

And probably for every day after that, too.

Maybe this is why the apostle Paul thought it was of paramount importance that the older women teach the younger women how to love their husbands. As always, the Bible is radically counter-cultural to the self-centered worldview spoon-fed to young girls through fairy tales and force-fed to young women through movies, magazines, and music. We have to learn how to step out of the princess spotlight and learn how to love well in the way God defines love. A wedding isn’t the kick-off to Happily Ever After. It’s only a segue into a new season, with new and different opportunities to demonstrate Christ-like love that weren’t present when single... (read more)